Lent: week 2

Day 8

The desert has yet to devour me though I do feel a nagging weariness. I didn't have to leave the house until 4 yesterday and boy oh boy was it windy.  I didn't give myself any wiggle room for picture taking but I somehow managed to stop my frantic brain and take a photo.  The wind kept knocking my phone over so it took a hardy 5 minutes of eternity to actually get a picture.  What I appreciate about this photo is I wasn't posing I thought the photo had been taken and I was taking a moment to enjoy the sunlight.  Moments are important, especially when you find yourself in the quick movement of life. Little instances we find ourselves able to breath, smile, laugh, cry, sing or simply just be are precious.  I'm personally trying to learn and encourage myself to hold on to those moments because it's really easy to let them fall away.

Day 9

Today, despite my pic, I feel like the desert can just have me.  I'm tired and begrudgingly typing my daily reflection like a scolded child.  I haven't had a bad day or even a bad week, I'm not even in a bad mood. But I'm tired and I want to order a pizza, sit on the couch, and watch TV... I certainly don't want to pause to connect with myself, not this version of myself at least.  Me, at this moment, doesn't feel very loving or wanting of care.  So naturally, now is when I need it most.  Which is when I must stop, reflect, be still, and embrace the angry stubborn child inside of me.  The spirit asks for us to come like children and receive grace.  Open hands, open hearts... When we are the least of these. 

Day 10

Today I've been thankful to rest. The desert is still ever around me but it's harsh conditions are not as felt.  Today I drove a fair distance to witness a good friend present at a conference in Jonesboro.  Time with those close to us may provide an escape but it's a good escape. Good community doesn't take us out of our deserts. Good community walks with us. 

Day 11

Another day on the road. A few more stops to make, a few more familiar faces to see.  Today I'm reflecting on the past. Using the image of the desert, I see the vast landscape as made up of every particle of our lived experiences.  Walk long enough and your bond to kick up old memories.  Some good, some not so good.  The dust alone isn't dangerous it's the breathing in.  Dust chokes.  It attempts to steal your life force, if only for a moment.  Don't panic, don't fight, let the dust settle and walk on.  This is to say, choking on dust is part of the journey, it's our reactions that improve. 

Day 12

I went to the ol WalMart today to do the weekly shopping.  I got in line to check out behind a plaid adorn lady who was seriously eyeing the chocolate covered donuts.  She looked at me and started laughing, then explained "These little beauties are my weakness, I buy spinach but I want donuts." While I sincerely appreciated this woman's humor and overall contagious niceness, she reminded me of how I used to buy donuts every time I went shopping.  That's really hard for me to admit.. and to be honest the only reason I am admitting it is because I didn't want to.  Being a human who struggles with binge eating tendencies my over all relationship with food is complicated.  I can't yet laugh at the taunting of donuts.  I sincerely want to and some days I do alright but over all it's a struggle.  I've learned not to shame myself for my eating because I know food addiction is one of the most challenging addictions to break. But I do believe it's long over do for me to shine some more light into that dark area of my life.  Another needed lesson in being open and not being destroyed. 

Day 13

Today I am reflecting while experiencing full body aches and fever.  I'm thankful that I can't infect people though the gram. When you experience full body aches you become particularly aware of every nook and roll. It's not a pleasant experience to be sick but it's an interesting experience when your in the desert and working on connection.  We are married to our bodies for better or worse.  It's easy to forget that until our bodies malfunction or get hurt and cry out for attention.  Then we are aware.  Painfully aware. 

Day 14

By some miracle today I don't feel horrible.  Oh and now my pictures are current!  I find it interesting that being sick gives us an excuse to do more self care.  It takes something dramatic to catch our attention.  Being in the desert for 14 days has shown me the depths of creative self care that I am capable of.  It's the little interruptions, the daily pauses we give ourselves that really make a difference.  This is true for me at least. So often my brain runs on autopilot, and so often I get frustrated at myself.  And then every time I get frustrated I remind myself that I'm trying to alter a human brain with over 30 years of hard wired patterns.  Baby steps, patience, and compassion is all I need.

Lent

In the spirit of Lent I decided to wonder into the desert of self acceptance and connection.  I am someone who has worked very hard towards spiritual and emotional growth, but I am not always so good at caring for myself physically.  So for forty days I will be purposefully taking time to post a picture of myself and daily musing about my journey. 

I decided to make my journey more public because I tend to be someone who tries not to bring attention to my physical self.  So this is my first baby step.  And it's a doozy!  My daily posts will be on my Instagram account but I thought once a week I could push myself a little further and do a blog post.  

Thank you for taking the time to read and be a witness to my journey. Even if it does fill my heart with nervous energy!  

Day 1

Lately I've been thinking about self acceptance and connectedness.  We live in our bodies but don't always appreciate them or give them the attention they deserve. I've struggled with this and maybe at one point in my life it served a purpose.  But now I'm taking steps to connect and care for myself physically as much as I've cared for myself emotionally and spiritually. I don't hate my body but there is a reality of being overweight or fat.. Yes the F word.  That reality is that I could do more for my health. Give my physical body the attention it deserves.  For me part of this process is just being honest and putting myself out there.  Ya know, stop only taking pictures of my face. Look at myself. Really look at myself.  Not to be disgusted or to suddenly be horrified that I've "let myself go" but to simply see and remind myself that I'm worth caring for a little more.  This isn't anti beauty or anti love, it's actually an extension of love. 

Day 2

It occurred to me after reading a blog written by a dear friend that I'm entering this journey of connection during the time of Lent.  Well that CANT be a coincidence.  I'm making an effort to enter into an area of my life that I have left barren.  In the desert you can see for miles and left there without direction a person could be driven mad. I enter my own desert knowing it could make me a little mad, it certainly has made me anxious and uncomfortable.  Yesterday I took this picture and out of the three I took this one is the one I wanted to post the least.  But the desert needs to be explored and every area deserved to be mapped, even the areas we are most fearful of.  I enter my desert with the knowing that this will be worthwhile.  I am not directionless but intentionally curious. 

Day 3

I've been very fortunate to meet some wonderful ladies here in OK.  Lord knows I wasn't really in the market to make friends when I moved here. Over the course of our conversations we have revisited the topic of body image. It's a conversation worth having but it's one that I've been more on the outside of.  There is a difference between being overly critical of one's body and having a constructive conversation. I suppose in my experience I've been a witness to more critical conversations which are never helpful or uplifting.  In fact those conversations keep us bound in shame, bound too closely to ourselves.  Why share your inner life with another when all you hear is negative feedback and empty advice about what you "should" do differently.  These ladies have offered me something different. These ladies have constructive conversations and look you in the eye and say "You are beautiful". Those conversations are what led me to this moment of attachment and what do you know, it began with other people.  How very interesting.

Day 4 

Today I was looking at the blank white screen of Instagram feeling like I had nothing to say.  Not even a week yet into my journey and I feel like I hit a wall. I even thought about not posting today. I then realized that this feeling of coming up against something is where the real work begins. Going forward even when I'm not sure where it will lead me.  Admitting when I'm in a place that has in it high walls and few words. Once I stay here a while this place to will be known. So today I will be still and get to know this space. That's enough. 

Day 5 

If it hasn't been understood yet, all my photos are always a day behind.  So yesterday being Valentines Day I every so insecurely displayed a heart above my head.  One of the things I've noticed about having a larger body is the lack of movement.  When I am out in the world I make sure not to reach to high for things or heaven forbid bend over.  This is done out of fear of being seen.  Speaking for myself I am someone who dresses to not show off my excess.  I sincerely do not want attention directed on my person.  I suppose in this way of behaving I can be a bit of an illusionist.  Don't look behind the curtain!  I have spent a lot of effort constructing an image and I don't know how I would act if suddenly I was exposed.  That's the adventure in this time of exploration. I'm exposing myself so I can have the experience of not being destroyed by simply being seen.  Logically I "know" I'll be okay, but emotionally I'm not there yet.  Emotionally I'm still waiting for the experience of transformation. Just trusting that as I push further into my discomfort a part of me will be there ready to be known. 

Day 6

"The first way the evil one tempts any of you is to make you doubt your divine identity.  Once you think your no good, once you think you're of the devil, your lost.  The key proclamation of the Gospel is to announce to you who you are." Richard Rohr in his sermon on Lent.  He goes on to talk about how Jesus refused to turn a rock into bread though he was starving after being in the desert for 40 days.  Rohr highlights this as a way of saying we should be aware of what feeds us and what our hunger is truly about. "Because only when you fast and pray and really hope do you find out what you really want, and what you really need, and what you really desire." These words are very relevant for me and I'm sure others. There is an inner hunger beyond what food can feed.  But this can only be accessed through times in the discomfort of hunger.  That's where your true identity is. 

Day 7

Today I went to see my supervisor, because that's something you do when you're a therapist.  Today he brought up the topic of self care, which again NOT a coincidence. I talked with him about my current adventure into self awareness and connection.  About how after a week in the desert I feel tired.  It takes a lot of energy to reprogram your brain.  Even something seemingly so small like taking a picture and writing an Instagram post takes tremendous effort.  I honestly can't tell you what has kept me motivated to keep posting. I suppose that's less important, a little mystery is good.  I'm thankful today for the mystery that keeps me in the desert.  Thankful for those who support me. Thankful for just being. 

The Integrity of Sheep

Sitting down with a new family always works my anxiety. 

All the energy of an old system lingers in the space surrounding me and it’s my job to sit in it.  It’s uncomfortable, its supposed to be.  Most don’t seek the services of a therapist because there home has an excess of harmony.  I am called to come, sit, listen, and be a witness to what isn’t working.  That’s fine.  That’s my job.  But not all of my job. 

As I sit in the midst of my clients homes I hear story after story of struggle and attempts at change.  Every non helpful attempt made becomes a weight and over time the heaviness of trying just becomes too much.  After exhausting their current resources, some people reach out for help and suddenly find themselves talking to a stranger.

I am new at this.  Or as a good friend would say, “We are just baby therapists”.  We awkwardly toddle into people’s lives and begin grouping around in the dark for some light.  We fall all over our own bow legged selves and attempt to construct our jabber into complete sentences.  Yet like most babies we manage to grow up.  Over time our huge egos consistently knock in to those around us and we are shaped into a more solid, more steady, a more grounded version of ourselves.   

The deeper I am rooted the steadier I can be in the presence of brokenness. 

That is the other part of my job.  Being someone who is sturdy enough to enter into the dark places.  To shine a light, to reach out a hand, and to believe that I have something to offer another soul.  From my perspective the most crucial part of my growth is believing.  To have something to offer another person, I have to believe first that I have something worthy of offering. 

The soft mantra that hums in the back of my mind is,

“You are enough”. 

Those three words are a credit to the collective voices in my life that are higher than myself.  People I have respected and looked up to, individuals that used their influence to create a positive change.  I could never be where I am today if it wasn’t for those voices and the individuals who took the time to give me a different experience of myself.  That is good community.  Proper church.  The element we all need to for consistent growth.  Not just for those of us playing the part of a therapist but for everyone.  Every human needs good community. 

These words have been on my heart for some time now.  I feel joy for being where I am and privilege for being able to do what I do.  I also feel a little lonely.  Sometimes I feel like an outlier.  I find myself on the phone with friends asking them to echo back to me the words that hum around my head.  Remind me of my integrity because I am realizing how easily that can be abandoned.  I have experienced almost all my clients say, “We had our last therapist for many years and honestly they didn’t really help us”.  After hearing this multiple times, I began to question how.  It’s too simple to claim that these specific people just happen to be addicted to their misery.  It’s more likely that numerous therapists are choosing not to engage in discomfort. 

It’s more likely that numerous people haven’t experienced their own discomfort.

It’s more likely that numerous people don’t believe in what they have to offer.   

I have come to understand better the concept of coming to God like a child.  It was never about being completely ignorant but being willing to toddle on unstable feet over and over again.  To consistently engage discomfort as something new and interesting, instead of something to only be feared. 

This is bigger than just the folly of therapists.  It’s about the need we all have to be engaged and it isn’t being met.

The world needs you to be you.

Regardless of your vocation. 

So toddle baby, toddle! 

You are enough.