Lent

In the spirit of Lent I decided to wonder into the desert of self acceptance and connection.  I am someone who has worked very hard towards spiritual and emotional growth, but I am not always so good at caring for myself physically.  So for forty days I will be purposefully taking time to post a picture of myself and daily musing about my journey. 

I decided to make my journey more public because I tend to be someone who tries not to bring attention to my physical self.  So this is my first baby step.  And it's a doozy!  My daily posts will be on my Instagram account but I thought once a week I could push myself a little further and do a blog post.  

Thank you for taking the time to read and be a witness to my journey. Even if it does fill my heart with nervous energy!  

Day 1

Lately I've been thinking about self acceptance and connectedness.  We live in our bodies but don't always appreciate them or give them the attention they deserve. I've struggled with this and maybe at one point in my life it served a purpose.  But now I'm taking steps to connect and care for myself physically as much as I've cared for myself emotionally and spiritually. I don't hate my body but there is a reality of being overweight or fat.. Yes the F word.  That reality is that I could do more for my health. Give my physical body the attention it deserves.  For me part of this process is just being honest and putting myself out there.  Ya know, stop only taking pictures of my face. Look at myself. Really look at myself.  Not to be disgusted or to suddenly be horrified that I've "let myself go" but to simply see and remind myself that I'm worth caring for a little more.  This isn't anti beauty or anti love, it's actually an extension of love. 

Day 2

It occurred to me after reading a blog written by a dear friend that I'm entering this journey of connection during the time of Lent.  Well that CANT be a coincidence.  I'm making an effort to enter into an area of my life that I have left barren.  In the desert you can see for miles and left there without direction a person could be driven mad. I enter my own desert knowing it could make me a little mad, it certainly has made me anxious and uncomfortable.  Yesterday I took this picture and out of the three I took this one is the one I wanted to post the least.  But the desert needs to be explored and every area deserved to be mapped, even the areas we are most fearful of.  I enter my desert with the knowing that this will be worthwhile.  I am not directionless but intentionally curious. 

Day 3

I've been very fortunate to meet some wonderful ladies here in OK.  Lord knows I wasn't really in the market to make friends when I moved here. Over the course of our conversations we have revisited the topic of body image. It's a conversation worth having but it's one that I've been more on the outside of.  There is a difference between being overly critical of one's body and having a constructive conversation. I suppose in my experience I've been a witness to more critical conversations which are never helpful or uplifting.  In fact those conversations keep us bound in shame, bound too closely to ourselves.  Why share your inner life with another when all you hear is negative feedback and empty advice about what you "should" do differently.  These ladies have offered me something different. These ladies have constructive conversations and look you in the eye and say "You are beautiful". Those conversations are what led me to this moment of attachment and what do you know, it began with other people.  How very interesting.

Day 4 

Today I was looking at the blank white screen of Instagram feeling like I had nothing to say.  Not even a week yet into my journey and I feel like I hit a wall. I even thought about not posting today. I then realized that this feeling of coming up against something is where the real work begins. Going forward even when I'm not sure where it will lead me.  Admitting when I'm in a place that has in it high walls and few words. Once I stay here a while this place to will be known. So today I will be still and get to know this space. That's enough. 

Day 5 

If it hasn't been understood yet, all my photos are always a day behind.  So yesterday being Valentines Day I every so insecurely displayed a heart above my head.  One of the things I've noticed about having a larger body is the lack of movement.  When I am out in the world I make sure not to reach to high for things or heaven forbid bend over.  This is done out of fear of being seen.  Speaking for myself I am someone who dresses to not show off my excess.  I sincerely do not want attention directed on my person.  I suppose in this way of behaving I can be a bit of an illusionist.  Don't look behind the curtain!  I have spent a lot of effort constructing an image and I don't know how I would act if suddenly I was exposed.  That's the adventure in this time of exploration. I'm exposing myself so I can have the experience of not being destroyed by simply being seen.  Logically I "know" I'll be okay, but emotionally I'm not there yet.  Emotionally I'm still waiting for the experience of transformation. Just trusting that as I push further into my discomfort a part of me will be there ready to be known. 

Day 6

"The first way the evil one tempts any of you is to make you doubt your divine identity.  Once you think your no good, once you think you're of the devil, your lost.  The key proclamation of the Gospel is to announce to you who you are." Richard Rohr in his sermon on Lent.  He goes on to talk about how Jesus refused to turn a rock into bread though he was starving after being in the desert for 40 days.  Rohr highlights this as a way of saying we should be aware of what feeds us and what our hunger is truly about. "Because only when you fast and pray and really hope do you find out what you really want, and what you really need, and what you really desire." These words are very relevant for me and I'm sure others. There is an inner hunger beyond what food can feed.  But this can only be accessed through times in the discomfort of hunger.  That's where your true identity is. 

Day 7

Today I went to see my supervisor, because that's something you do when you're a therapist.  Today he brought up the topic of self care, which again NOT a coincidence. I talked with him about my current adventure into self awareness and connection.  About how after a week in the desert I feel tired.  It takes a lot of energy to reprogram your brain.  Even something seemingly so small like taking a picture and writing an Instagram post takes tremendous effort.  I honestly can't tell you what has kept me motivated to keep posting. I suppose that's less important, a little mystery is good.  I'm thankful today for the mystery that keeps me in the desert.  Thankful for those who support me. Thankful for just being.