The Integrity of Sheep

Sitting down with a new family always works my anxiety. 

All the energy of an old system lingers in the space surrounding me and it’s my job to sit in it.  It’s uncomfortable, its supposed to be.  Most don’t seek the services of a therapist because there home has an excess of harmony.  I am called to come, sit, listen, and be a witness to what isn’t working.  That’s fine.  That’s my job.  But not all of my job. 

As I sit in the midst of my clients homes I hear story after story of struggle and attempts at change.  Every non helpful attempt made becomes a weight and over time the heaviness of trying just becomes too much.  After exhausting their current resources, some people reach out for help and suddenly find themselves talking to a stranger.

I am new at this.  Or as a good friend would say, “We are just baby therapists”.  We awkwardly toddle into people’s lives and begin grouping around in the dark for some light.  We fall all over our own bow legged selves and attempt to construct our jabber into complete sentences.  Yet like most babies we manage to grow up.  Over time our huge egos consistently knock in to those around us and we are shaped into a more solid, more steady, a more grounded version of ourselves.   

The deeper I am rooted the steadier I can be in the presence of brokenness. 

That is the other part of my job.  Being someone who is sturdy enough to enter into the dark places.  To shine a light, to reach out a hand, and to believe that I have something to offer another soul.  From my perspective the most crucial part of my growth is believing.  To have something to offer another person, I have to believe first that I have something worthy of offering. 

The soft mantra that hums in the back of my mind is,

“You are enough”. 

Those three words are a credit to the collective voices in my life that are higher than myself.  People I have respected and looked up to, individuals that used their influence to create a positive change.  I could never be where I am today if it wasn’t for those voices and the individuals who took the time to give me a different experience of myself.  That is good community.  Proper church.  The element we all need to for consistent growth.  Not just for those of us playing the part of a therapist but for everyone.  Every human needs good community. 

These words have been on my heart for some time now.  I feel joy for being where I am and privilege for being able to do what I do.  I also feel a little lonely.  Sometimes I feel like an outlier.  I find myself on the phone with friends asking them to echo back to me the words that hum around my head.  Remind me of my integrity because I am realizing how easily that can be abandoned.  I have experienced almost all my clients say, “We had our last therapist for many years and honestly they didn’t really help us”.  After hearing this multiple times, I began to question how.  It’s too simple to claim that these specific people just happen to be addicted to their misery.  It’s more likely that numerous therapists are choosing not to engage in discomfort. 

It’s more likely that numerous people haven’t experienced their own discomfort.

It’s more likely that numerous people don’t believe in what they have to offer.   

I have come to understand better the concept of coming to God like a child.  It was never about being completely ignorant but being willing to toddle on unstable feet over and over again.  To consistently engage discomfort as something new and interesting, instead of something to only be feared. 

This is bigger than just the folly of therapists.  It’s about the need we all have to be engaged and it isn’t being met.

The world needs you to be you.

Regardless of your vocation. 

So toddle baby, toddle! 

You are enough.