I went back to work today. After a three hour session I'm feeling tired and ready to toss in the metaphorical towel. Here's something I have a hard time understanding about myself. When I'm tired I can easily toss my own self care out, however I can always discover more energy when it comes to others. My Mom has reminded me that I've always been this way but I'm not sure it's good for me to always be this way. I'm two weeks into Lent and everyday I feel the urge to not post. "Isn't it kind of dumb to post this on Instagram, You really don't have time, I really don't want to do this today." Most days when I go to create a post I have no idea what I'm going to say and sometimes it takes me 10 or 15 mins just to wait myself out. I suppose that's what we all need. To give ourselves the space to wait for whatever needs to be felt or expressed. Space to remember ourselves as worthy.
This week I've battled on and off with some not so fun ever present funk. I have this image of being in the middle of a dry barren land feeling like death and longing for a place of rest... but all you have is miles of hot sand. I can see myself lying down and nesting in the warm ground. Hoping the heat will soothe my joints and quiet my feverish chills. I want to believe that it's possible to utilize our deserts. That life and rest can be found even in a dust bowl. -A musing of the desert- I sat at the foot of a desert plant and watched the sun as it set. The cactus whispered from the sand, "I've witnessed life, I've witnessed death. The sun made a promise to the moon one night. That the moon will live but the sun must die. The moon promised the sun he would die by the day and since then death and life have never been separate, but equal parts of the same."
"He was tempted by the evil one for 40 days. He was there with the wild beasts and the Angels took care of him." Mark 13. Richard Rohr does a good sermon on lent and today I needed a good sermon. He says that the wild beasts are symbolic for our own wild beasts. Being in the desert brings out all the darkest parts of ourselves. I've had this experience numerous times already. Rohr goes on to say, "then angels ministered to him.. So the promise is you can endure it, you can allow it, because there will be angels of God to hold on to you when you can't hold on to yourself." Experiencing these dark parts creates an opportunity to let God hold on to me and love me in one of the wildest parts of my soul. I need that today... To hold on to love especially when I feel unworthy of it. Let love enter in spite of myself.
"But Abraham had faith, and had faith for his life. Indeed had his faith been but concerning the life to come, then might he more easily have cast away all, in order to hasten out of this world which was not his..." Soren Kierkegaard
Over the weekend I was tested. This test was a total surprise and thus one I wasn't prepared for. It was a small miracle that I kept posting, my head nor my heart was present. I felt like I was drifting aimlessly and though it only lasted for a few days it was still unpleasant and unwanted. I'm still feeling the effects of the weekend but over all I am proud and peaceful. I reached out to my community and found comfort in the affirmation of my present identity. I am not defined by my past but what I do moving forward. I am thankful for friends who love me no matter what but challenge me to act differently. The desert is survived by angels and angels are found in good friends.
Such a busy day today. After a long day of doing therapy and paperwork I came home hugged my husband, pet my animals, made myself a healthy 8:30pm dinner, and chatted with a friend. I'm tired but I'm also proud of myself today. In the past I would've used being busy as a reason not to eat right and eat too much. Tomorrow I may back step and over eat or eat junk but if this time of posting and meditation has taught me anything it's baby steps add up and are worthy of celebration.
Today marks my third week in the desert. At this point I feel both challenged by this experience and bored by it. What a paradox. Admittedly I don't always have good follow through when I start something. Usually by now I would've abandoned this desert for another. Without even realizing it. I've explored the perimeters of many different wildernesses but I am ignorant of the center. As I move deeper into the center of my own physical neglect I have to push a bit harder to continue on. I'm learning slowly that I'm worth the effort.
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