My Emmaus

Last week I made the 5-hour drive to Little Rock Arkansas to meet my Mom and Stepdad.  We loaded my duffle bag into their car and off we drove to Hot Springs.  My Mom was bouncing in her driver’s seat saying, “ARE YOU EXCITED!?”  My stepdad explained that my Mom was excited to see me but also very excited for me.  It was Thursday March 3^rd and I was on my way to the Walk to Emmaus. 

I’ve known about Emmaus since I was in 8^th or 9^th grade because my Mom went on her own Walk to Emmaus and soon after I attended the teenage version Chrysalis’s.  For those of you that don’t know what the Walk to Emmaus is I took the liberty of looking up an informative definition for you.  #you’rewelcome

“The Walk to Emmaus is an experience of Christian spiritual renewal and formation that begins with a three-day short course in Christianity.”

So lets back up a day.

I’m walking around Wal-Mart, killing time between clients, and I’m anxious with the sort of anxiety that makes me feel wrecked.  I text a lamenting message to a friend of mine who graciously hears my anxious cry’s for comfort and doesn’t swat me away like an aggravated house fly.  I was looking forward to Emmaus but I was also equally terrified.

Yet Thursday came. 

As I packed the last of my things my frontal lobe finally fired up and I heard myself say, “You’ve been anxious for a whole day and haven’t told yourself you’re going to be okay, this will not destroy you.”  A couple months ago I listened to a pod cast with a gentleman named Terry Waite who had been held captive for 5 years, two of which was in solitary confinement.  One of his mantras was, “They have tried to break your mind and they have failed.  They have broken your body but they will never destroy you because they will never have your soul.”  This mans story inspired me deeply. 

Knowing that you will not be destroyed is a great comfort to an anxious soul. 

Once I remembered to pause and care for myself I felt my spirit stir and say to me, “God is going to show up for you this weekend.”  Talk about peace. 

At some point between finding peace and my excited Mom I ended up making it to Emmaus.  I was set up in a room, then waved bye to my parents as I was shuffled into a chapel with about 40 strangers.  It felt very much like being back in high school and getting dropped off at church camp.  The small chapel filled quickly with the sounds of women laughing and awkward conversations.  All I could think was, “Here we go.”

Emmaus is sort of like Fight Club.  The first rule of Emmaus is you don’t talk about Emmaus. Emmaus is something you have to experience and if you know what to expect a bit of the magic is lost.  Because the over all layout of Chrysalis is very similar to Emmaus I wasn’t expecting to have the same experience I had previously.  So the first night I was there I wrote down what I felt I needed or wanted to experience.  Because, God is going to show up, so I better have a list ready for him. #lol

a good hug

a hardy laugh

genuine kindness

a sincere smile

Some may think I set the bar low but in my experience wanting sincere connection of any kind is a higher expectation.

I remember reading something years ago about how God likes to show off.  This may make me sound cynical, but I’ve never really had that experience.  I eye roll a lot at the catchy things most Christian authors say about God, and most things deserve an eye roll or two.   But this weekend I was exceeded, surprised, and overwhelmed by the work of the spirit. 

I laughed until I cried Friday night.

Received an exceptional hug Saturday morning.

Felt a sincere smile Saturday afternoon.

And was overwhelmed by genuine kindness Sunday morning. 

Where God showed off though was in between the lines, in the unexpected places. 

I didn’t know I needed affirmation but I received it from almost everyone I talked to.  My profession was greeted with interest instead of a defensive posture.  I was asked by a hand full of women for my perspective on one situation or another and received validation for my input and was humorously offered a quarter.  I spoke up about the things I disagreed with and the women at my table gave me space and caught me.  I sat with a woman one evening and we laughed and cried together for over an hour. 

Then something totally unexpected happened. 

My heart leaped and my spirit stirred. 

I was called into Ministry.

Someone at my table asked me, “What is the greatest thing you learned in grad school?”  

My answer, “That I am enough.” 

When I felt the call I was shocked.  I laughed, I cried, and said the word “really” a lot.  If I could travel back in time and tell my high school self that one day she would be called into ministry she would stare blankly at me in disbelief and then go smoke a joint.  If I could visit 23-year-old me who was going through a divorce she would say, “I could never, I am an awful person.”   But now I have hind sight, 20-20 vision, and I can see that even with all my anxiety, insecurities, anger, drinking, drugs, cynical thoughts, divorce, adultery, selfishness, weight issues, and defensiveness I am enough.  

God still wants me.

He even wants me in his service.

Grace. 

Grace is how God shows off.